I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize