do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
