remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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