Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
