1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
