I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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