everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
