So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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