Taylor Swift is so right about you.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
