mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
