i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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