So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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