i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
two words...techno handjob
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
