Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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