Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
