I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
