i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
