i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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