there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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