So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
