I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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