I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
