he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
