I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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