I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
