I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
