Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
