I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
