Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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