for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
