I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
True strength comes from lack of pants
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
