so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
