Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
dude. I can hear the air.
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