I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
