I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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