I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
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I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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