My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
