hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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