god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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