it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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