I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
this is an emotional support booty call
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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