no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
