Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
