Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
