Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
