Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
