I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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