Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Drake has all the answers
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
