i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
