I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
