dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
