I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
