Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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