Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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