I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
two words: eviction party
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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