No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
