now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
