I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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