our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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